Learning to feel again

I’ve spent a large portion of what I call my “previous life” dissociating.

Spending so much time spiraling deep within the ego mind that I didn’t have energetic boundaries, or a true sense of who I was. Creating scenarios and falsehoods internally because I couldn’t fully express myself outwardly and didn’t have the emotional intelligence to change it *yet*. Living in fear of my emotions to the point that I was numbing and isolating just so I didn’t have to feel anything at all. Living in a prison of my own making unknowingly repeating the same behaviors in different ways.

And then… I started choosing to feel.

It’s taken over seven years to gain awareness and autonomy (but babe I’ll be working on it 4eva). Purposely diving deep into the subconscious brought me to a point of heightened expression through the throat chakra. Speaking my truths has led to choosing sobriety more and more. A sober mind with the aid of conscious breathing, daily yoga, and *my therapist* has helped me work thru the holdings of the physical body to better understand and access the emotional mind.

Actively pursuing the practice of yoga and the concept of meditation through the masculine/yang lens offered the physical pieces to get me from an overactive mind during a vinyasa practice to being completely still and calm during yin, but lacked the deep emotional rhythm and allowance to explore that I craved. The feminine urge to dance to my own drum and howl to the full moon began to ache within me.

Working through feelings of repressed shame, blame, guilt, insecurities, anger (oh lots of anger), depression, anxiety, grief, loss, judgement; all these deeply human experiences that I tried to mask and hide for god knows how long- has led to a welcomed shift in my understanding, how I approach my personal practice, and the grace to be as I am right now. As a woman, a daughter, a friend, a leader, a student, a human… I started giving myself permission to scream, to cry, to laugh, to feel, and to LIVE FULLY IN MY BODY -it all started with a choice, and it’s a choice I try to make everyday.

Through the ups and downs of any healing journey, there are certain aha! moments, downloads, instant clarity- like a light bulb appearing overhead. One such moment for this human was a terrifying scream as my IUD was removed (oh and they tried to reinsert another one 5 times…but thats another story). It provided a painful yet necessary awakening within me. It was another choice to feel deeper- to feel my natural rhythm and menstrual cycle. Something I actively avoided due to sexual trauma and lack of connection to my womb and vessel, led me to a revolution of spirit and redirecting of energy.

At the same time, my desire to learn more and embody this experience has further heightened. Redirecting my practice away from the prescribed linear, masculine, and crown orientation to that of softness, rooting and feminine observation has allowed everyday to be lived differently; to feel and honor my bodily needs for the first time probably ever.

I’m stilling learning, but that’s the fun part about being human.

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